Elimination of Emotion

    I feel like I allow myself to get emotionally invested in everything I do or am involved in. For example, simply watching Grey's Anatomy...My heart hurts and I cry until my lungs give out. I feel like I'm part of this group of fictional characters. Their losses are my own, and their laughter brings me joy. I'm not sure if that's good writing on their part or if I'm actually insane. I have a love/hate relationship with Shonda Rhimes.

I have actually considered naming my child Meredith.

    This turmoil goes for everything in my life, not just soap operas disguised as television shows. THEN when I attempt to explain myself to someone who is genuinely concerned for my well being I become an emotional wreck. I lose words and I sound like a babbling idiot. It's a wonder I've been in a stable relationship for so long. Some how though, my boyfriend has been able to make sense of my insanity, so I try not to question it.

    I don't quite understand myself right now. I don't even know why I have the urge to make sense of myself, or why it is that I feel as though I need to explain myself to anyone. Why I'm crying, why I'm upset, why I'm writing, why I'm happy...But I should try and start accepting the fact that I don't need to explain myself. Because it doesn't really matter why or how...but what matters is what I'm going to do about it...and I don't need to explain that either.
    I used to think that displaying emotions was a sign of weakness. My initial reaction when I feel myself tear up, is to suppress it, and try and take back control. I've never really allowed myself to just cry without stopping. Because I've always had this notion that if I allowed that to happen then I was only propelling my sadness. I still have yet to make sense of that. If you think about it, it's kind of silly and stupid. If someone had broken all of their bones, you'd expect them, and even allow them to be upset with the situation. You wouldn't think that was unnatural. So why do I feel differently with my broken mental state?
Because you can't see what's been broken. You can only see how I've been changed.

I've been to see a therapist a couple of times. She helped a bit. I don't think I was ready to leave. I wish I could have kept going.